A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
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