you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
