New low: just hacked my moms facebook
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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