are you still at the devil's house?
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
