Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
