he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
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