20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
