that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
