You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
