Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
