Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
