I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
