ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
