hell yes lets make some ravioli
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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