I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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