also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
