My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
So vagazzling was a success
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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