Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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