if only i could text you this smell
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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