Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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