Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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