So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize
