census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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