so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
