You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
