1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
