So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
