I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize