my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
These People Are So Awkward You’ll Get Embarrassed
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
These People Encountered Celebrities in Bizarrely Normal Places
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear