i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
