i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
My bed smells like the plague
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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