I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
