You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
