My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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