I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well