Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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