Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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