There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
