Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
