I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
