We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Randomize
