i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
