I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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