I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Randomize
