how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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