i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
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