Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I party with great urgency now.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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