If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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