Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
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