Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
