its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
did i walk over a car last night?
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
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