i need an iv and a liver transplant
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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