Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
