I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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