I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I have grass duct taped all over my body
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
